Coming home

Today Lily is coming home.
Usually if Lily has been in hospital I spend the last day before she comes out doing a spring clean of her home. Because coming home from hospital can be a big thing anyway. Though if it were me I would want to see flowers. But Lily does not like flowers. I learned long ago not to bring flowers - because Lily would then put the flowers outside near the back door. Or be eager to throw the flowers out at the first sign the flowers were fading.

Yesterday I did attend a local neighborhood meeting on behalf of Lily. Local neighbours (English spelling of neighbours, not USA spelling of neighbours, apologies to those who think the spelling is wrong) of Lily.
These neighbours were debating the need for some changes. I did not enjoy the competitive one up-manship of some of the people there. Nor the clear agenda to impose some changes that the older neighbors were not in favour of.
It was as if some things had been well and truly agreed upon before the rest of the people arrived. Then the push to impose and stifle discussion was a challenge for me. I found the people with the clear agenda rude. There are ways to seek change and there are ways that are patronising, arrogant and too hasty and impatient.
But those with the agenda spoke over the top of anyone who dared to ask a question.
I asked a question at the meeting.
It was only a question, to help me understand.
It was not in support of one postion or another.
The man acting as chair started talking over my voice before i had finished my quick question. And poured some scorn on my question.

I know that I do not enjoy the company of ignorant rude people like that.
There was no openness. Instead there was a feeling that impatient people had already decided in advance that they would push through some changes. And then did not like it when it was clear they did not have the numbers.
I am glad these people are not my neighbours.
Who would want to live near stuck up arrogant rude people like that?
Not me.
I like a kinder community. One that respects people of all ages and all incomes. It was clear that the much older people were resistant to spending up big on projects that might take several years to finish.
And Lily had already made it clear to me what she wants, when she asked me to attend as her proxy.
After the meeting I went to Lily's place to file the papers from the meeting. And I resisted the desire to start a spring clean.
But maybe I am getting more relaxed with the need to try to make everything perfect?
Usually I do go overboard and clean.
So this weekend I spent time doing some nice things that I will be less able to do this week.
And last night I had a great one hour chat on the phone with a distant friend from my school days.
It was good to catch up.
And my friend's call was timely.
Because if the call had to me, later this week, when I will be caring for Lily in the evening, then things would be different. After Lily is back in her home.
Then Lily would have continued complaining, in the background, if I was on the phone more than a couple of minutes.
Note, as a relative I do the caring for free.
It is not as if the time I spend with Lily is as a paid professional carer. I just care as a relative. Carers are expected to do as much and more as a paid carer, but often they are taken for granted by everyone around them. And they do it for free. And sometimes carers are even out of pocket with the caring role. Many times when I pick up things for Lily I feel churlish to ask for a receipt. But unless I get a receipt then there can be no reimbursement to me. So I must ask for receipts. But sometimes one forgets. Or it seems unreasonable to ask for a receipt for one mango. But it all adds up. Lily loves mango!
So there are times when I feel as if I am treated as the resident Cinderella by paid carers who do come in to do the caring, when the primary carer is absent.
I get quite used to notes from carers left for me. Things for me to do, such as, "Lily needs this/ Lily will have to ..... ,or /this needs replacing/This is running out/ Could you get this?"

And I need to make sure I put away anything that is mine.
I have brought items that are mine to Lily's home, for me to use, for me. It is for when I stay overnight at Lily's. It makes sense to leave some things at Lily's. Otherwise I would forever be carrying an overnight bag withe me.
Examples being my hairbrush and my toiletries. Often I find my lovely bath products have been used and put back on Lily's side of the vanity.
Or my hairbrush has been removed from the bathroom and put in Lily's drawer. Or my books have been removed from the side table and put into Lily's bookcase.
As if 100% of anything in the home of Lily is Lily's. Except the paid carers do know that I stay overnight.
At least my clothes are safe since I am a lot taller than Lily.
Sometimes it makes me feel like I am the invisible carer.

Lily can become over anxious if the focus is not on her. Goodness knows what it is that Lily thinks, but I know that if I am at Lily's place and my mobile rings then that, for Lily, seems to be an unwelcome intrusion.
So my friends now are more likely to meet me for lunch rather than call. It spares them the comments in the background. Comments from Lily such as, "who is it/what do they want/how long are you going to talk?" or the more usual request, such as "I need your help now/help walk to the loo, or walk me to my bed. I need to lie down now".
All this at the same time as a caller is trying to speak to me.

Have to remember to assert myself. And understand that one does not have to try to be perfect.